In a bizarre twist of genius I bring together my and my first (and indeed last) viewing of to live blog my review of the Eat Pray Love movies. I don’t know if I was drunk and thought it would be hi-lar-ious to put this DVD on my Love film list or if Mr Thrifty thought it would be funny to watch me open the envelope hoping for ER Season 2 and find THIS but somehow, someway it has ended up in my living room, swirling around my DVD player and the government are thanking me for not downloading it illegally. I’ve treated myself to a can of full fat coke and a Bounty, the likes of which Julia Roberts can never have set her eyes upon and um, I’m about to press play.
– I’m turning the volume down lest someone in my building know what I’m watching.
– Ah a voiceover. A voiceover spoiled for me, I mean, how the hell can a ‘masterpiece’ revolve around a bloody voiceover? I’m well aware that I do voiceovers for a living but THIS is different.
– Oh hai, can I go abroad and take the best bits of your cultures and thought processes and mash them altogether to form my passage through my middle class life? Can I? Can I?!
– Did she just roll her eyes because her husband has tried out different jobs and wants to go back to uni to do a masters? Really?
– You know when you cry you can either just have one tear rolling down your cheek or THE UGLY CRY? Well Julia Roberts has one too, full on ugly cry. With the vein bulging, the lot.
– ‘Everyword in Italian is like a truffle’ – dear me, I’m going to chunder.
– If someone took a busker’s guitar and played me a ditty I’d hurt them. With a saucepan.
– I HATE the way people pin all of these amazing hopes and dreams on an entire country. Why do people ‘wanna-go-da-Fraaaaaance’ all the time, why do they fall in love with Paris when the closet they have come to it is the final episodes of Sex and The City? This bitch is pinning her hopes on Italy and pasta. Because all Italy has is pasta. Shut up.
– I am 33mins in and I haven’t come across a single character that I like.
– The word for London is ‘stuffy’? Based on what? Churchill? And the word for Rome is ‘sex’? I can tell you for one sweetheart, I’ve lived in both and had a lot more sex in London than Rome (I’ll admit the Rome part was for 36 days) And better sex at that. Shut up.
– The meal she makes with the egg looks good. I wish I could eat egg.
– Jesus Christ, this woman is awful. AWFUL! I can’t even explain to you how truly awful she is.
– Stop examining your life and live it.
– I find it strange that for all of her obsession with praying she never thought to think about it when in Rome, y’know the base for one of the biggest religions in the world. Perhaps it isn’t quite as trendy anymore?
– This is BULLSHIT. Why am I watching this?
– So this dude from Texas, Richard? I want to maim him.
– I’m thinking of adding a vodka to this coke to get me through the rest of this film. It isn’t worse that Sex and The City 2 but it is damn, near close.
– Oh yes, hearing the misery of another always helps me reach some kind of peace.
– You can’t hear me but I’m swearing a lot. A lot.
– I like the elephant, I name him Trevor.
– Did she just steal from that old man? She did, didn’t she?
– Is that Craig McLachlan?
– I’m turning it off before I start full on war on the idiot that wrote the book AND Julia Roberts.