Christmas Crime – Early Christmas Trees

Christmas Crime – Early Christmas Trees

One year I begged and begged and begged my mother to put the Christmas tree up really early, pretty much as soon as the page on the calendar was turned from November to December if you’re asking. We had always been a steadfast put the tree up the weekend before Christmas or the day we broke up from school family but I think I was jealous of the many other children at my school who had their tree up already.

So there we are on the 1st of December with the tree up, the picture frames lined with tinsel (ah 1989, how I loved thee) and from that second on I asked my mother how long until Christmas approx 1756327 times a day. After about a week and a half I got so frustrated with the anticipation that I threw a straight-legged strop on the floor and accidentally kicked the electrical cord for the fairy lights, snapping the cord from the plug, causing the Xmas tree to fall over, smashing 80% of the Christmas tree decorations on the tree and all of them  in the house to trip. Brat, right? But see, this is the kind of shiz that happens when you put your Christmas tree lights up too early. You have been warned.

Christmas is not an entire month, much like we don’t spend the whole of April pulling practical jokes before midday or every day in October dressed as a corpse in the supermarket. We shouldn’t bum the life out of Christmas all month long and take the shine off it. I love Christmas, LOVE it but you’re rubbing the shine and excitement of it with your stupid early trees. If I throw a strop in the middle of Manchester and knock out the power for the entire northwest of England you only have yourselves to blame.

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I love putting the decorations up, I get stupidly excited and want to get them out as soon as the air turns cold. I want to buy our tree now, now, now but I held off because I’m not great at dealing with power outages and also because it is WRONG.

The moral of the story is – put your Christmas tree up too early and you will ROAST IN THE FLAMES OF HELL, whilst eating mac and cheese from a tin FROM A TIN and listening to me asking how long until beard face Noel Edmonds is going to be on telly giving children with lazy eyes Thundercats scooters.

I understand we’re all different but I’m right.


P.S. Maybe I’m just bitter because my birthday is three days before Christmas/ Xmas?

P.P.S. Oh and UGH, don’t even get me started on those advent calendars that are now called best Christmas countdown calendars that have 25 doors. Ummm. UMMMMMM. RAGE.

P.S. Don’t even start on about pagans and taking stuff in from the outdoor, I know, I know. Just do what I say, I’m right.

– I actually don’t care all that much. Really. Do what you want, we all know you’re going to anyway. I’m not the boss of you. I am.

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