See Saw

Life is an interesting game of swings, roundabouts and most importantly see saws. This is especially true when you suffer with mental health issues. One second you can be breezing along on the top of that see saw without a care in the world, the next you’re slammed to the ground and in my case in bed wanting the world to end and nothing anyone can say can take away the crushing pit of despair inside you.

This doesn’t have very much to do with money, or thrift but a lot to do with where I am right now. It is a ramble about something many people don’t talk about, something many people are scared to talk about. Actually in regards to money, if it wasn’t for the tax payers of this country and the NHS I wouldn’t be here – I’d have been over the edge and packed up in my coffin many, many years ago. For all the faults the NHS has – especially with regards mental health – I will forever be thankful for a health service which is free at the point of use because when you suffer with bi polar you never know when you’ll next need to avail the NHS of its services. They are good folk, they’ve mended me many a time.

I wish more people would talk about this and other mental health issues more often. I wish people would see I’m not some crazy odd ball because I suffer with this illness. For a long time I’ve found myself scared to talk to anyone about this pain in the arse, complicated bastard of an illness but I always wound up getting scared that people will laugh at me. I shouldn’t feel like that, no one should. It shouldn’t be a seedy, dirty little secret.

 This happens to a lot of people, 1 in 100 people in Britain apparently suffer from bi polar disorder and 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness at some point in their life. So why are we looked down upon, why do people talk about mental illness in inverted commas? Why is it okay to snigger at those with mental health issues in an age where is (thankfully) very much frowned upon to make fun of the physically disabled? When will society catch up?

This past week, I’ve thought about taking my life. A lot. It isn’t the first time I’ve felt that way. It isn’t due to a marital problem, a work problem, a blog problem, a friendship problem or anything like that. It is just an overwhelming urge to shut off life. I’ve cried for days on end, sat in bed, stared at blank walls, gone on spending sprees, washed myself obsessively, neglected to eat, drank a lot and hated my existance. And then I nearly ended it…but obviously I didn’t. In some ways I regret not doing it, I regret not taking away the endless bitter hatred of myself and the hours, days, months, years of staring at a blank wall sobbing my heart out. Another part of me is glad I didn’t but mostly because I love my husband more than the thought of no longer exsisting.

If you have feelings and thoughts like mine or if you’re worried in any way about your mental health please, please, please visit your GP. You may hear horror stories but for the most part they are willing to help and they have picked me up and put me back together when times have been a lot worse than now. I cannot thank the NHS enough.

I don’t want to be at the bottom of the see saw, or even the top. I don’t even want to be balanced out and in the middle, I want to be far, far away from the see saw on a nice bench – maybe with a Crunchie. However the deal I’ve been dealt is see saw land and for now I’ll just take not falling off.

Thank you for reading my ramble.
x

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A Thrifty Mrs

El aka A Thrifty Mrs is a freelance journalist and founder of athriftymrs.com When not sharing thrifty tips and the best of British sales she enjoys trash TV, mooching around charity shops and trying out every mascara on the market.

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Comments

  1. Oh Thrifty, sending a lot of support your way! x

  2. Great post. Sending you happy thoughts x

  3. I’ve tried 4 times to think of a great comment to write and I can’t.
    All I can say is glad you’re still here, glad you can get help and I’m really glad you can talk about it, as that’s the hardest part.
    Be kind to yourself.
    Amanda.x.

  4. So sorry to hear you’ve been feeling that way Thrifty. I agree with your views on Mental Health issues, it’s taboo and I wish more people spoke as openly as you have here. You have probably helped a huge amount of people just writing this blog post. I think you’re brave to be so honest. It sounds really tough.

    I hope you can find some light and happiness soon.

    Hugs x

  5. I think more people need to be this open and honest when it comes to dealing with mental health, people wouldn’t feel so shut off and alone if it was more openly discussed.

    I also think employers would benefit from watching the program which recently aired on Channel 4 called “The Worlds Maddest Job Interview. They were told that some contestants suffered from varying mental health issues and they openly said they would probably not employ them. However the final 3 most employable people were all people who had/currently suffering. Total eyeopener for the nation.

    Bisou Lisette xoxo

    http://lisetteloves.blogspot.co.uk/

  6. I’m so sorry to read this :-((
    I’m also happy it’s over… and if you want to talk more about this problem (if first of all it’s beneficial to you of course), it’d be interesting. People are ignorant about what bipolar really is.

    Stay strong!!

  7. must have taken a lot for you to write this post. Could not have been easy, and I respect that.
    Hope today is a good day, with many more to come.
    x

  8. Sending love, and lots and lots of virtual crunchies. I hope you’re off the see saw soon, it’s a horrible place to be xxxxx

  9. Thanks for sharing this Mrs Thrifty,…I’m so glad that your still here and your managing to get through this particularly bad spell.

  10. Mental health is a taboo subject because those who have never suffered from it cannot possibly understand the gravity of it.
    I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a shitty time, I really hope things pick up soon. Sending lots of good vibes your way (but no hugs, right??) xx

  11. Sending kind and happy thoughts your way Thrifty. Big respect for talking about something that society tries to hide!

  12. Oh gosh, i’m definitely there with you right now.

    The word ‘mental’ alone brings up so many horrible connotations is it any wonder people don’t want to be labelled.

    I cry on a daily basis, I shop on a daily basis..I oversleep, I undereat. Most to make me feel better, but usually leave me feeling more stressed in the long run.

    I’m 24… I hate feeling I have to be medicated to feel ‘normal’ when my body wants all the weeping emptiness to be my ‘normal’. That, in my head the solution for my feeling crap in the long run will depend on visiting the doctor and popping some pills.

    I have gone through the typical..’just because you feel better doesn’t mean you are’ ..stick with the tablets. I stopped. I can admit and appreciate that I need them.
    But I haven’t started them again, it’s not about self pity..or my being stubborn or lazy.. its hope I think.. the hope that I will wake up one day and feel.. whatever it is that other people wake up and feel and not constantly question whether I have ever not had this.

    My biggest issue is cutting people off, I so desperately want to be more social when I feel down.. relax, enjoy.. but from afar. I want to sit and watch everyone else interact and feel a part of it without being a part of it? Does that make me strange?

    Bah, who knows.

    Thanks for listening to ME ramble!

    And funnily enough, I just had a crunchie :)

    x

  13. Thrifty, you’re an amazing and inspiring young woman! You have done so amazing in life and you have helped us all fellow bloggers in many different ways with your ever so clever and handy tips! And personally you have made my life a lot easier. No matter how hard things get, talk to someone. No matter if you don’t know what to say or how to say it, just let it out in anyway possible. You are not alone :)
    Sending you a massive hug and my best wishes :)

    Love Becky xx

  14. Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling like that, sending lots of love your way!

    Sophierosehearts x

  15. Sending love your way Mrs Thrifty x

  16. Sending all thoughts to you Thrifty xxxxx

  17. Sending lots of hugs your way xxxx

  18. I’m glad that your bond with mr thrifty kept you here – this is a v.touching post, good for you for putting it out there. I hope things get better soon! X

  19. Dear Thrifty,

    I know I could just phone and tell you this but I wanted to add it here (and lots of other places too).

    THANK YOU for writing about such a (sadly) taboo topic and being so open. You will help so many people.

    I for one am glad that you are still here. You make so much more of a difference to my life than you know. You make me feel less lonely during the day, you make me feel secure in the knowledge that if I ever need help with something then you know the answer, you make me laugh my head off with your dry wit and humour, you make me dare to do things I wouldn’t normally and you make my little world a better place for it.

    Sometimes life feels very small and dark and low and like you can’t get out of a horrible thought bog. Please know that whenever you are in one of these places, I will always come to you, hold out my hand and help you out of it.

    I love you very very very much (urgh so emotional) and that is all.

    Louise

    xxxxxxxxxxxx

  20. I was wondering where the usual Mrs Thrifty posts were over the last few days…

    The thing I find helps if I’m down is to keep forcing myself to remember that I’ve felt down before but then felt positive again, i.e. no feeling ever lasts forever and you will feel positive again at some point (even if it takes time). Hope that makes some sense & take care x

  21. Well done for writing this post, it’s incredibly brave. I agree that in this day and age it is quite frankly disgusting that there’s still a stigma around mental illness especially considering how many people it affects. However one way to try to change that situation is for people to talk openly about it as you have done here so that others who would not normally feel courageous enough to talk about it are encouraged to do so and it is stopped looking on by narrow-minded society as strange or the usual “crazy” word that is bandied around with no thought or consideration whatsoever. As you can see I feel quite strongly about this as I have many relatives who suffer from mental illness and have had bouts of depression myself. There’s a good website that I go on to “listen” to other people called Compassion Pit – sometimes it feels better to just talk to someone completely anonymous who doesn’t know you and this is what that website offers. X

  22. Sending lots of love and positive thoughts your way! To you and the Mr! So sorry you’re going through this right now. Thank you so much for writing this post, one, as it helps others but also so we know you’re ok.

    love

    Claire
    xxx

  23. My brother killed himself. He didn’t leave a note or anything, so we’ve never had a definite reason but I think a massive part of it was that he didn’t think he could talk to anyone, so it’s a really positive thing that you can talk about it because it is THE BEST thing you can do.

    I get mild depression from time to time and regularly, in fact, constantly don’t think I’m any good at anything or will get anywhere in life. People think I just need to buck up my ideas but it isn’t about that. I didn’t understand depression until I felt it myself and while it’s different to bi-polar I imagine it’s very similar too. While I’ve never wanted to take my own life, I can understand even the mildest imbalance that leaves you feeling shit/hopeless/a snotty tearful mess is really hard to deal with.
    Hannah x

  24. Sending positive thoughts your way & thank you for writing this.

  25. Am sending you hugs. Your words have touch me and said aloud a lot of what I’ve been through in the past 15 years. Stay strong. Stay focused. Look upon your blog as therapy for free. That’s how I see my diaries. X

  26. Awww, I didn’t even realise you are bi-polar Thrifty, I think it’s really brave of you to be honest about your mental health. I still find it unbelievable that there is still a stigma about mental health in this country too, as one of the 1 in 4 I’m frequently nervous about being honest about my own problems. I also completely agree with you about the NHS, if it hadn’t been for one wonderful doctor 5 years ago I have no idea where I would be now (or if I even would be here). I’m sending lots of positive vibes your way xo

  27. You are one brave lady for putting this out there.
    There is so much stigma around mental illness, and I think the more people who put themselves out there saying, “Actually, yes, I struggle with this,” the easier it is for people to address their own problems with mental health.
    The more awareness there is, the better, I think. We need that stigma to go away.

  28. I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad time lately. My son suffers from severe depression and sometimes really struggles with life. I don’t know if you know this but Stephen Fry is bi-polar and did a programme about it which was really good in terms of raising awareness about the condition. Sending love x

    • Oh Deborah, my son too has depression (very severe last year – suicidal ideation – they call it now, he sought help and got it thankfully.
      Yesterday we had to explain to the Jobseekers people why there were two ‘missing’ years where he didn’t earn etc, tho the lovely lady we spoke to was sympathetic thank goodness cos I was ready to ‘go into battle’ for him.
      The pain of having a child with depression was, and is gut-wrenchingly awful, as if your heart is being torn out every time you open the bedroom door.
      (Mr Thrifty needs our love too I think, he is a Good Man).
      Love to you Susan (Dollyclothespeg)

  29. I’m sorry you feel this way :( mental health issues definitely get a bad rap, i suffer from anxiety and ocd and the amount of people that think it’s all a joke is bewildering

    sending lots of love xx

  30. This post is amazing and brave. You are inspirational, keep that chin up :) I wonder if you’ve ever thought about getting a cat/dog? The amount of love they give is incredible and can be very cheering :) And they never judge! xxx

  31. Hi I’m so sorry to hear how you’ve been feeling. I admire your honesty and I wholeheartedly agree this isn’t a subject we should be afraid of talking about. Sending you lots of good wishes and hugs. xxx

  32. Sending you lots of love and much admiration for speaking about bi-polar in such an honest way.

    Thinking of you xxx

  33. Sending hugs your way Thrifty. Thank you for being so honest with this post-I respect your honesty so very very much. xo

  34. This is a great post. I also wrote a ramble about mental health on my blog recently along similar lines of your post here.

    There is definitely some Stigma still attached to Mental health and there shouldn’t be, It is an illness all the same as a physical one.

    alizzet101.blogspot.co.uk

    x

  35. I wish I could say something, anything to help, but I know that isn’t what you are looking for.
    As others have said, thank you for sharing, for feeling that you trusted us enough to know we would see this for what it is.

    With love from all of us, I know you aren’t keen on hugs but I think we all want to give you a hug right now. Please give one to Mr Thrifty instead.

    B xxx

  36. My guts are flipping over in sympathy-pain for you right now. I just want to give you a huge hug. I’m battling with anxiety, perfectionism and the lowest self esteem (heck my therapist last week said she “looks at me and feels sad”), I’ve been suicidal in the past and most of the time even now I just wish I could fade away without causing anyone any pain. And yet, when I tell people (even some co-travellers on this path called depression) they’ll turn around to me and say things like “what have you got to worry about?” or “but I thought you were happy?” It makes me stumble and close myself off even further. I was on a very slippery slope back towards self-harm a few months ago but summoned the courage to tell my sister, who told me to go the GP – and it meant I’m a lot less sick than I could have been. The previous posters are right – being honest and open about it isn’t at all easy, but it’s a step in the direction of getting better again when hiding away just means getting silently worse.

    Sending you many, many hugs, and I’m so glad you have the wonderful Mr Thrifty to help you towards the light again. It is always there, even if it’s really hard to see it in the darkness all around you. xxx

  37. Ugh. Yeah. I’m bipolar too (although have been on a very even keel ever since I had my son 3 years ago and went batshit crazy with PND and OCD a couple of weeks after the birth and was given some fantastic meds which I’ve been on ever since) so I’ve really and truly been there on both sides of the see-saw. Neither side is good to be on, but now I’m always nice and level in my moods, I have to admit to missing the manic episodes and all that energy that comes with them.

    Very good post, thanks for sharing. I hope you’re out of the pit soon. xx

    Lisa @ http://www.howtobeadomesticdisgrace.blogspot.com

  38. We’ve briefly spoke of this before, and as a fellow bipolar dude I too wouldn’t mind hanging out on that bench with you, I’d prefer a scotch egg if possible, but beggars can’t be choosers. No amount of flattery or kind words will lift you from you’re current episode, but I will shower you with them anyway, although I don’t know you from what I’ve experienced you’re pretty amazing, you’re witty and pretty and many other rhyming coolnesses. Sending every bit of positive I can muster your way with sprinkles of crunchie on top <3

  39. You know that I know what you’re going through. It is utterly horrendous and you are incredibly brave to talk about it.
    I wish you all the health in the world. Please be better soon, and until then take the time you need.
    Big hugs.
    Love
    Elizabeth
    x.x.x

  40. Thank you thrifty for posting this. Sorry you’ve been through such a shitty week, but I’m so glad you’re with us at the end of it

    Tfj

  41. Really eye opening. xoxxoox

  42. Good luck. One thing Manchester seems to do well is mental health support, I hope you have the same experience.

  43. Good luck. One thing Manchester does well is mental health support, I hope you experience the same.

  44. Oh gosh, what an honest and open post, I can’t pretend to know anything about mental health as I don’t! And I also think it’s a very difficult illness to get your head round if you know nothing about it/haven’t experience it, so I just want to say I hope you are feeling better, I hope you realise that it’s not just your husband who loves you, and you have a lot to live for. It’s easier to say than do, but keep your head up, stay happy…and keep smiling :)

    xx

  45. I have had to reach out to the NHS for help before when it came to my mental health and I found they were so supportive. One of the counselling techniques they had was not for me, but the initial step of reaching out and asking for help meant that many people I spoke to after the initial jump had stories to share. Talking was the best thing to do and led to me finding someone that could help me exactly the way I needed.

    My thoughts are with you and I hope you begin to see the light soon.

    Emma xx

  46. i am glad..
    glad you are still here
    glad you can talk about what is a very hidden illness
    thank you from the bottom of my heart
    you are super and i am glad i get to read your ramblings
    hold tight to what you love sweet girl – life is a tough and often shit road to travel along
    t x

  47. In the past I have had to reach out to the NHS for help with my mental health. It was a difficult thing to do, but they were very supportive and although the counselling technique they used was not for me, after making the initial jump to start talking to people I found that people wanted to share their stories with me and this led me to finding the help I needed.

    My thoughts are with you and I hope you start to see the light soon.

    Emma xx

    • I’m sorry you’ve been feeling down lately. I think someone very close to me has depression (diagnosed a while ago but I think it’s back) and it can be very difficult topic to broach, even though you can discuss anything else with them. I don’t want to pressurise the person but it’s very hard, both for them and their family who for the most part are just confused by the swings down into negative moods.

      Sorry, this was meant to be a supportive comment for you, not a ramble about my own problems! I suppose I meant it empathetically. Can I ask whether your husband gets any emotional support when you have a down mood? I know from experience it can be tough to watch someone you love go through this.

      Wishing you all the best. Keep holding on to the love in your life.

  48. I don’t know what to say other than I am VERY glad you are still here and I hope that you continue to seek help when you need it most. Do not stop talking about mental health as it is vital we keep this in the mainstream and help break the taboo and stigma attached to it. Thank you.

  49. sending lots of love.
    it is an awful thing to go through and a few people in my life, whom i love very much, have suffered with a mental illness and i’ve seen firsthand how it affects people.
    so glad you spoke about it though, too many people are afraid too and this is wrong.
    xxxxx

  50. You have been on my mind this week Mrs T. Im so sad to hear how bad things have got and so glad that you have decided to carry on.
    When Ive gone through dark times I always tell myself “this too shall pass” It helps somehow to know that one day things will be better. Whilst its good to know you are ok and I have no doubt this post will help a lot of people dont rush back into the blogging fray unless you really want to. A few weeks off will make little difference. All your readers will still be here. Looking after yourself is more important.Sending a big hug from BB Towers-oh and a crunchie x

    • I completely agree. Absolutely take it easy and don’t feel you are letting your readers down in anyway. We will all be here. Return to blogging when you are ready. x

  51. Thank you for your post, i am so glad you are still here with us. I went to a funeral last week for a friend who committed suicide in a very low moment and i am sure that it was not what she would have wanted.
    I have had depression for many years and on the whole the NHS has been great.
    Thinking of you, hugs and crunchies. You are awesome.
    xx

  52. What a fantastic individual you are! You have so many supportive readers and friends out there in Blogland. This post may just have helped a lot of people, and as none of us know if we are ever to become a sufferer of a mental health issue, or know someone who is experiencing one, I’m sure many of us are grateful in advance, too.

    Anna. x

  53. I work in mental health services and love it. I love working with people but it makes me so angry at how some are treated. My hubby got diagnosed with a mental health issue recently and one of my “close” friends said ‘oh I guess it’s make or break time for you guys then’!!! Yes because my hubby just decided to pencil in this issue purely to inconvenience me and our kids. People just dont get it. I really hope you are ok sending prayer xx

  54. Amazing post x sending positive thoughts to you x

  55. El, all I can say is that this is a cruel and unfair thing to happen to you. I’ve already told you this, but all I can remember is how immeasurably wonderful you were to me when I was in such a horrible low place myself. Praying is not my cup of tea, but you’re in my thoughts and I’m pulling for you. Let me know if I can help at all.
    Polly
    xxxxx

  56. I work in mental health services and love it. I love working with people but it makes me so angry at how some are treated. My hubby got diagnosed with a mental health issue recently and one of my “close” friends said ‘oh I guess it’s make or break time for you guys then’!!! Yes because my hubby just decided to pencil in this issue purely to inconvenience me and our kids. People just dont get it. I really hope you are ok sending prayer xx

  57. Glad you felt able to talk about it. Depression is the pits. I’m back on AD’s after 5 years of feeling ok. It just came back again- no real reason. I imagine living on my own in a garden shed. The smaller the better. Tucked away from the world in a box. That’s when I go for help. Daft eh?

  58. Glad you felt able to talk about it. Depression is the pits. I’m back on AD’s after 5 years of feeling ok. It just came back again- no real reason. I imagine living on my own in a garden shed. The smaller the better. Tucked away from the world in a box. That’s when I go for help. Daft eh?

  59. Positive thoughts sending your way x well done for speaking out, you may very well be helping someone else, in fact I’ve no doubt you are x

  60. I work in mental health services and get so angry about stigma surrounding mental health. Hope you are OK Sending prayer and love xx

  61. I always say that nothing is that bad that you should take your own life. But I do understand also that you shouldn’t just say to someone that they should ‘snap out of it’ when they say they are feeling down or depressed. I know sometimes it is hard to appear happy and funny when you feel like you are in a black hole but please remember that you bring a lot of joy and happiness to many people, myself included, with your blogs and vlogs. In fact when I feel sad I watch one of your videos. I know you can get through this dark time, with the help of your friends and your loverly husband.Thank you for sharing. Big Hugs Sally x

  62. Thank you for this brave blog post. I hope you start feeling better soon. I don’t have bipolar, but I have a long history of clinical depression so I can relate to the crushing despair of a depressive episode. Thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts. Just keep going, one day at a time x

  63. El, I can only begin to imagine how you’re feeling right now. Upon reading this, I felt sad. I did. I know it is easy for me to say, because you’re the only person who can live your life, but you really don’t understand how great a person you are. So so many people look up to you, and as a fellow blogger, we worry. Seeing your tweet nearly a week ago, worried many of us, but of course we don’t all have that close connection to actually know the truth.
    I’m ever so proud of you for actually writing this post, because I can sure imagine it wasn’t easy in the slightest. Things like this aren’t. The thing is with you, you’ve been through so much, yet on the outside you always seem to be smiling. And that’s one of the hardest things to do I think.
    All I can do, is tell you that I truly believe, and think you’re an incredible person. You’re talented, kind, passionate, friendly, beautiful and most of all bloody amazing. Just remember that.xxxx

  64. So, so happy you’re here. You’ve truly been an inspiration to me.

  65. Sending so much love your way Thrifty, you rock so much and are an inspiration to so many of us. We all love you.

    I know what you mean about people’s opinions on mental health. I suffer from a few issues myself and am on the brink of a downer. Sometimes you just have to let go of something to realise that you can get back up again.

    <3

  66. X

  67. X

  68. What a great post. I am an anorexia sufferer and actually keep a blog which is more like what this post is like – a place for me to write my thoughts/feelings because I feel if I tell the world, they’ll think I’m daft or crazy etc. If more people came forward, this whole stigma of mental illness would disappear. I read a leaflet the other day and it had the BEST thing in it
    ‘you wouldn’t tell a cancer patient to pull yourself together – mental illness is no different’. It’s so true! So, keep fighting because you a clearly stronger than you already think. You’re still here and that obviously took more than you imagine. I hope things get better for you – you are too nice to lose xxx

  69. This is such a honest post to write and I know it will help many people. My mum and sister suffer from mental health issues and it means a lot knowing there are places such as the NHS out there to help.

    It is also important for others to understand that people who suffer with these illnesses are still people and need to be loved.

    Thank you for being brave and writing this post.
    Big hug and lots of love.

    Nafisah
    http://www.bamblingsofnaffy.blogspot.co.uk

  70. Big hugs, and as you are probably feeling abit sick after all those crunchies I’m sending a nice virtual cake. X
    Everone gets ill, its just that we don’t fully understand mental illness yet. We have no idea what causes it ( abit but not properly), the brain is complex and beautiful, no matter how its wired. Doesn’t make it anyeasier to deal with though. X

  71. I always find it so inspirational to see others speaking out about mental health. So much has been done in recent years to try and end it’s “taboo” nature, though there is still a long way to go yet.

    I could ramble on all day long about how inspiring you are to so many of us – what a lovely, genuine, talented, all round amazing person you come across as being. Though I realise through watching my own Father go through the same torment, that words like these probably won’t make a huge difference at such an incredibly difficult time.

    I lost my Father in 2008 after his long battle with depression, and all I can tell you after watching him go through that, is that I have SO much admiration and respect for those who choose to fight and battle through, like yourself. I completely understand why sometimes the thought of “ending it all” can seem more appealing – but know that ultimately, things will get better eventually though it is likely to be a long road. The most important thing is to ensure you have a strong support network around you – something I am sure that wonderful husband of yours has covered completely :)

    Thoughts are with you.

    Sarah

    xxx

  72. I just wanted to add a comment to say thank you for sharing and to reiterate what others have said in that I am glad you are still here, and that I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this way at all. I completely agree that mental health is still a massive taboo, and it is only through brave people like yourself, who are willing to opening talk about these issues, that it can change. I have suffered with some depression, and it wasn’t until I did that I really began to understand it (if that makes sense). I was left feeling really helpless – and lost, which are frightening things.

    So thank you. Stay strong. xxx

  73. Thank you for sharing this. I wish more people would be brave enough to be open and honest about mental health issues.
    I hope you find your way to that park bench one day, never give up sweetie, life is too much of a wonderful, magical thing.

    Xx

  74. I don’t have any words of wisdom because they’ve been said so eloquently by everyone else but i think this post is very brave and i’m thinking of you. Faye xx

  75. A great post lovely, I have been in that same place several times in my life and its so hard to be there and also for other people to see me there. I am glad you emphasised the point that there isnt a ‘reason’, I have found that the hardest part to explain to people – Is it the kids? – NO, Is it your husband? – NO, Is it money problems? – NO, Has something bad happened? – NO, People just don’t get it.
    I sincerely hope that this is a short period in your life, comparatively.
    Val
    xxx

  76. When you find that bench, email me and i will bring crunchies. I have never been to your neck of the woods but I have sat nav. I have been lost a few times myself and had a helping hand and my hands are ready to help, oh and by the way they are big strong hands. Pam

  77. Oh boy, don’t I know about that! Hugs to you and Mr. Thrifty, too.
    I have two close family members, one bipolar, one clinically depressed and suicidal for a stretch, but there is a silver lining on the horizon: Both are fine now and in the case of bipolar has been fine for 14 years.Hang on in there,even if it seems all dark, you will get better again.
    ♥nic

  78. Your post has really touched people, look at all the comments. Mental health should be more in the open and its people like you who will help that happen. Take care, I hope you get the help you need.

  79. Oh Thrifty! It breaks my heart when I read when people feel the urge to take their own lives. I know it is the illness that makes people believe that they are not worth existing anymore, but it is still sad to read things like this. I have never suffered with an illness like this myself, so could never imagine what you’re going through, however one of my best friends who was also my house mate at uni suffered with bi polar. I remember one night in particular on a night out. One minute we were having the time of our lives, the next we were in a taxi home and she was declaring to the driver how much she wished he would run over her and kill her! I couldn’t sleep that night, fearing what I may find the following morning. She’s still with me though and she’s doing much better these days. She still has days where she hates everything about her existence, but not as frequently these days.

    Then there is my mom, who has more recently started suffering with depression over the past few years. For all that time she has literally just worked, then come home and go on the computer on online games. I understand it has become away for her to escape, but it is more like it has become an obsession, sadly to the point where sometimes she tunes out everybody all together, including her children. She completely denies that she has an illness at the moment and refuses to go to the doctors to speak to anybody about it. My Aunty and I have tried all we can, but unfortunately it seems like my mom is going to have to hit rock bottom and come to the realisation for herself before she gets on the road to recovery.

    All I can say is I’m very happy you’re still with us, and I really hope you begin to feel better about life again. You would be missed by a great deal of people if you were to choose to take your life. Not only your husband (who clearly loves you heaps), friends and family, but all of your fans you have built up too over the years of you blogging. I don’t know about other people, but I feel like I really get to know a blogger with their posts, and I’m sure I would not be the only one who missed you filling my newsfeed with your amazing thrifty tips and advice.

    Much love to you Thrifty! xx

  80. I can relate to every word you wrote. I have been diagnosed with depression right after I had my son. It has been 3 years of this see saw. I couldn’t thank the NHS enough and the iTalk therapy. I am feeling much better now and even contemplating going down on my medication. Unfortunately people can be a bit scared to talk about mental illness and some can deal with it with prejudice. I hope you find the balance you clearly need. I am sure you will. Lots of love and hugs to you. xx

  81. I wanted to leave you a comment, but I nearly didn’t because I didn’t know what to say. But then I thought that if everyone doesn’t comment because they don’t know what to say then it looks as though it is being ignored…but thank you for sharing. I know that ‘feel better soon’ is too light, too simple for your situation, but I am wishing you the best.

  82. I had been worried by your absence from twitter and your blog and I’m so sorry you felt so low. You are a very brave and admirable lady and I hope you’re feeling better soon. x

  83. It was really brave of you to post this.
    I just wanted to let you know that I love your blog and hate the thought of anything happening to you!
    I really hope you feel better soon!
    xx

  84. Sending love. My family has been hit by suicide more than once and more than once due to those suffering from the same issue. I’m glad you have the support you do and I’m hugely thankful you’re still here. I hope to see you back tweeting and blogging soon.

    Cx

  85. Oh thrifty! I know we don’t really speak all that much, but it’s still upsetting to read that you felt/feel this way. I shan’t offend you and even pretend I’ve felt anything to this degree, but I’ve been through some pretty rubbish times myself, and it’s difficult to excite empathy, and I’ve been far too scared (or apathetic?) to go to a doctor – for which I think you’re very brave. I know it’s not much, but I’m sending a lot of virtual love your way. xxx

  86. Oh El, I’m so sorry you feel this way. Hope you feel better soon. There’s a lot of love for you on here!
    xx

  87. Sending my love your way! xoxoxo

  88. Much respect to you for putting this out there. Hope you find your bench x

  89. Fellow mad cow here, currently crawling out from under a large pile of excrement that life landed on me today when it surely wasn’t my turn again. Only loved ones keep you here. Absolutely true. And barely that somedays. Frugal Queen gives me great words: it will pass, it may take time, but it will pass.

  90. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better. Bi Polar doesn’t work like that. But, to let you know, that bench you talk of? I’m sat on it waiting with a Crunchie for you xxx

  91. This post is so brave, and inspiring. Sending you love and support xxx

  92. I’m so sorry to hear this. I lost my grandfather from suicide, he had bi-polar and it devastated the family.

    I definitely think mental health should be spoken about more often. I have recently been diagnosed with depression but I have refused further treatment, You could say I am in denial at the moment. Your post has inspired me to go get help.

    I really hope you are feeling better soon, gem x

  93. Stay strong, we are all here for you xx

  94. You are an incredibly brave woman to post such raw personal feelings. Even at this low point you are thinking of other people.I just hope you are able to take some comfort from all the positive vibes coming your way.Even if you cannot take advantage of them now they are there for you in a calmer kinder future. Hang on if you can and know that you are much valued. xx

  95. Sending much love and lovely thoughts your way. Hope the close future looks a bit more like the park bench you described. Also crunchie’s are great. As are twirls, have one of them too!

    A xxx

  96. If ever there’s a blog post to comment on it would be this one. Because everyone need to talk! This is without a doubt my favorite advert I’ve ever seen on tv http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dTgAGeNRpw it should be mandatory for people to watch! Little things people do by just asking and taking time to listen can really make things just a bit easier for people dealing with mental health issues I’ve came across (anxiety and depression). As for sufferers of bi-polar, it’s never something I’ve came across, so talking about your experiences without fear is the only way to help others understand. So I thankyou for sharing. It’s nice to hear people talk about the NHS and how much it’s helped them because it is definitely a service many take for granted.

  97. Sending lots of loving hugs your way. Been there. Tai chi saved me, I go to a class each week, amazing the calmness and well being you get from the gentle exercises.

  98. Sending you happy thoughts of blue skies, blonde sand between your toes & sunshine

  99. I have just experienced mental illness, through my mum for the first time in my life (43 years). I have never understood what a totally consuming and debilitating condition depression can be. I will never again take for granted my mental health and will try to help and understand anybody who may be going through the same thing. I hope you will soon be able to deal with your feelings as my mum is trying to do at the moment, i know its not easy. The NHS have been really helpful with her too.

  100. oh huni *massive hugs* If only I had some good advice but know that I know how you feel

  101. What a brave, brave post. I hope you’ve got a nice GP who has prescribed you something which will start to take effect soon and make you feel better. You are not alone Mrs Thrifty, I’ve had some very dark moments in my life too but thankfully I’ve pulled through. I hope you can take comfort from the fact you’ve got an amazing husband, and lots of virtual support too and we are all rooting for you. Sending you lots of love and a bit of Spanish sunshine.

  102. Sending lots of well wishes, Thrifty. Thank you for having the courage to post about this and I hope you are feeling closer to that happy place again soon.

  103. This is an amazing post and you are so brave to share this with the world. Its really helpful to know someone else feels the same and I hope this post helps someone else feel less alone. Thank you xxx

  104. Sending you hugs.
    Having been there I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and I’m so sorry to read you’re suffering.
    Please know that we appreciate your lovely blog and all the help and smiles it gives us. This may not help much, but I hope it will help just a little bit. xx

  105. Oh my, I don’t even know where to start. First of all, thanks for sharing and I’m sending positivity, love and optimism your way. It’s good to hear you’re still there and are willing to carry on for the sake of your love, I know how hard this is. I’m suffering from depression myself and don’t usually talk about it because most people think about mental health issues the way you’ve described above. All you get is strange looks and ‘Don’t be pathetic!’ which makes me angry and sad. People should start to accept these circumstances and they should care! I wish you all the very best Mrs Thrifty! xx

  106. Well done for standing up to be counted. I also suffer from bipolar disorder and have blogged through a hospital admission so I know how it feels to be honest and how scary the feeling of being considered crazy is. I’m sorry you have been on the down end of the seesaw lately, that sucks.

  107. Oh love :( I am so sorry to read that you have been having a terrible time of it, we were getting very worried over on twitter. I have been very lucky not to experience mental illness first hand but a close friend has tried to take her life several times now and each time doctors have managed to patch her up but the underlying issues are so much harder to fix. She has two beautiful children but at her lowest they do not even figure. I really hope you have turned a corner and talking about it so openly can only help. Look after your beautiful self knowing that your little corner of the interwebs is rooting for you and you have a fantastic, supportive husband at your side. Much love xx

  108. Gosh what an amazingly honest, lovely soul you are. Thank god you DIDN’T do anything extreme (you’re one of my fave bloggers and I’d be thoroughly lost without thee) but I bet it has helped to share a little?
    A mum at school also has bi-polar. That “hurtling” illness. You liken it to a see saw. I think of it as a roller coaster or a helter skelter in terms of when I have seen her at different times.
    She can be on top of the world and the brightest breeze you’ve ever felt, then it all comes crashing down and she hurtles down at great speed.
    One thing she has learnt is yoga. A type of yoga where you wear a turban type thing on your head. Going to google it. Hang on. KUNDALINI YOGA. She swears it has helped her massively.
    And she is a perfectly “normal” person. It is crap that people still judge others re mental health. We wouldn’t judge someone for getting their foot in plaster after breaking it, so why do people judge those who seek help elsewhere?
    Good on ya! I love this post for all your honesty. Take time out. Big love.
    And you are still one of my fave bloggers. So there! Ha! My mum and I always read your posts together, she’s loving all your cleaning posts and Poundland posts. Keep them coming when you feel more chipper.
    xxxxX

  109. So sorry to hear this Thrifty, but thank you so much for sharing.
    I’m not quite sure what piece of play ground equipment my life may be likened to, I certainly have my ups and downs but I just don’t tell anyone, I try to muddle through and thanks to my own long suffering Mr I keep going.
    I did however end up breaking down while talking to a health visitor (by chance) the other day and she is coming to visit on Wednesday and I feel so thankful just that someone is taking an interest.
    You are certainly not a crazy odd ball as you call yourself, I too want to stand up to be counted with the 1 in 4, I’m as normal as anyone, just like you are!
    Really love getting an email to say you’ve written another post.
    Sending love xxxxxx

  110. I came here expecting to see no new post and to comment on an older post to ask if you were ok as you had been so quiet this past week… And then I read this. My heart hurts reading this, to know you’re feeling so low is awful. I have no idea what to say to make you feel any better but just know you are loved by so many, the world would truly be a darker place without you. Keep strong Elle and try to think of happy things, like the old people flash mob in the shopping centre, or animal print clothing. Love and thoughts with you darling xxx

  111. Hello!
    I for one am glad that you did not go through with your thoughts! Thank you for doing what you do, you mean the world to so many people :)

  112. Hello!
    I am so glad you didn’t go through with your intentions. You mean the world to so many people… always try to remember this. Thank you for doing what you do here :)
    x

  113. Lots of love to you xxx

  114. Thinking of you Mrs. Thrifty. Your honesty and beautiful truth of what you are going though is so sad and difficult. I know, for I live with my beautiful husband who suffers similarly. The NHS has been good to us too. Love and big hugs of sheer respect and understanding to you xox P

  115. I really admire you for your honesty to talk about such issues. I hope everyone remembers that there is always the GP or http://www.mind.org.uk xxx

  116. I don’t know what to say, other than to echo all the other comments. Thank you for sharing such an honest post and I’m glad you’re still here. Just look at all the comments above, you are one well loved woman! Remember that! Mental illness can be such a difficult subject to broach without people looking at you as if you’ve suddenly sprouted an extra limb. Although I wouldn’t label myself with depression, I am prone to ups and downs, and I feel I’ve recently come out from a particularly bad down. Recognising it and talking to somebody about it is the biggest step. I hope you come back stronger and more colourful than ever x

  117. Oh love, please don’t go, we all love you and your smashing blog, you make me laugh and by golly do I need that! I have missed you these past days.
    I recently decided to blog about my depression and all the shite that goes with it. The see saw is a perfect description, though I am not bipolar I am a Gemini (wtf I hear you say) but I have up and down days and would really like some ‘Boring’ instead of drama ie tears/feeling good, practical/useless, positive/negative days I am in at the moment (menopause ain’t exactly helping either *sigh*).
    My son was in your position last year and went in to a mental health ward for a month. I did not pretend and told all who mattered what the problem was, some were shocked and probably didn’t want to know, I don’t care cos I’m proud that he asked for help and that he is alive and much improved now. We should all be able to honest about our problems if they are not physically obvious ie broken leg, arm in plaster etc.
    Love to you and hubby
    Susan (Dollyclothespeg) x

  118. This is a very brave post and I really hope you start to feel better soon. I was off with work related stress earlier this year which I found difficult to deal with as I’ve always been the one who copes. My GP was amazing, even when I got angry with him for putting ‘stress’ on my sickness certificate – I went back and thanked him when I started to get better. I kept being told there was no ‘stigma’ but it’s amazing how uncomfortable some people were when I went back to work. I’m being honest, I’ve told people why I was off whenever it’s come up in conversation. I get the impression our HR Dept aren’t comfortable with this approach but there will always be stigma when things aren’t discussed openly and other staff members have spoken to me subsequently and it’s clear they need help too. Even when you are at your lowest you are a trailblazer, putting this topic in the open. I know it might not be possible now but I hope that when you feel better you’ll look at all these comments and be able to accept how well you are thought of. Big hug x

    • I don’t think HR depts deal very well with people off with stress. A few years ago a friend of mine was signed off with stress and HR told us not to contact her, which just resulted in her feeling incredibly isolated and thought that people didn’t like her any more. Hope you’re feeling better now.

  119. Oh Mrs T, my husband has bi polar and like you I’m always grateful to the NHS and the help they give us. Please be easy on yourself and thank you for such an eloquent post that explains the realities of bi polar perfectly x

  120. I think you’re very inspirational. Much love and take care. Xx

  121. I’ve been a reader of your blog for a while but never commented, but this post is one I couldn’t leave without telling you that I honestly love you Mrs. Thrifty.
    I too suffer from lupus as well as having had severe depression and anxiety for years ending in at least 13 hospitalisations in the last 2 years (this is before my lupus diagnosis). As well as having SLE I have a severe cerebal lupus component which basically explained why I was so treatment resistant to psychotropic medications. If you don’t mind me asking, have you ever been told about a possibility of their being a connection for you?
    My GP told me he thinks there’s probably about 10 cases like mine in the world, and being 16 years old that’s not exactly the kind of uniqueness I want to be feeling, haha.

    I know that deep dark hole, that old friend who manages to draw you in despite how unappealing it is. You are stronger than it El. They only give these things to people who are capable of handling it, the people that are so genuine and true deep down which you so clearly are.

    You hang in there, never stop fighting xx

  122. My heart goes out to you. Trouble is even on the good days you are aware of the big black monster waiting to bite. As shown by the number of posts a lot of people care. Just go one day at a time, thats what works for me.

  123. I had a friend on Livejournal years ago who suffered with bipolar. There were occasions where she tried to take her own life and didn’t succeed, but every time she was away from LJ for a few days, we worried. Her last post was a vague mention of going out with a whimper, rather than a bang. But gone she was. Your last tweet did frighten me – although I didn’t know you suffered from bipolar, it reminded me of that last post. And I’m glad you didn’t give in to those urges – SO glad – and I’m glad you’re still here. And I’m glad you’re talking about this. It’s not an easy subject to talk about, and is quite easy to be dismissive of when you don’t suffer yourself, or haven’t been close to people who do. I hope that you do start to feel better soon, because I like you an awful lot and don’t like to see you down..

  124. I was wondering where you were all week. So so sad to read your post, I know exactly what you are going through I have suffered with depression for years. If you need to talk to anyone face to face or just need a great big hug I live quite near to you (Stockport) perhaps we could meet up. LOL xxxx

  125. I’m so sorry to hear you haven’t been well recently, but glad to hear you’re recovering now. Take good care of yourself, you are so right about the NHS and those we love, they are both a godsend.

  126. Hi. I don’t know an awful lot about bipolar but I am glad you seem to be coming out on top. I have been insipred by you to become more organised around the house these last few months. I am so fed up of having to hunt things down because I can’t remember where I left them last or put off cleaning because I need to clear things away before I start it. I was so glad when I came across your blog when searching for cleaning tips with vinegar! I have never followed a blog before! It’s clear from reading other comments that you inspire many people and that you have Mr Thrifty for support.

    Take care x

  127. It is so brave and honest of you to share your story with us here. You know we all rooting for you, you make a difference to all of us, I know my day generally starts with popping in here for some inspiration and a laugh! Much love to you, look after yourself x

  128. What a brave & honest post Mrs T. My brother had schizophrenia and sadly couldn’t cope with the disease.
    There is such a stigma attached to mental health issues and especially to Bi-polar & Schizophrenia. The very word schizophrenia makes you think of a real Jekyll & Hyde character or someone who can be very violent.
    My brother was neither of the 2. His nickname was gentle Ben & he wouldn’t have hurt a fly. He ended up committing suicide earlier this year because he couldn’t cope with his thoughts. Sadly in our case the hospital let him down as he took his life in the secure unit (that he checked into voluntarily).
    Please don’t let this monster of a disease take over your life. Keep fighting it.
    My friend directed me your blog and i am glad she did. I enjoying reading your posts each week.
    Sending you lots of good wishes & hugs

  129. ooo Thrifty, I do hope you feel better soon. I can partly relate as a couple of years ago I suffered from anxiety attacks combined with days of crying, and unfortunately for me the only thing a walk in centre doctor (before I was assigned a new one) was able to prescribe me were beta blockers. The nurse I saw beforehand however was really good and suggested the best medicine for me would be to get out and be active, even just a walk in the woods. I never bothered spending the £7 to get the beta blockers (especially as part of the reason I was ill was because of money troubles) and found the nurses suggestion really helped, even if it was a struggle to get out the first time. I didn’t want to have to rely on drugs and prefer a more natural remedy if it works. I have never seen that nurse since and don’t know her name or anything but I have a lot to thank her for, she really listened to me and treated me as an individual rather than just another patient with another problem, unlike the doctor I spent about 2 minutes with afterward who was very unsympathetic and only seemed interested in writing me a prescription and getting me out the door. However with the nurse’s advice by the time I had a follow up appointment 2 weeks later although I wasn’t perfect I was already feeling much better. Outdoor activity and taking it easy worked for me but it is not the answer for everybody. For me it had all been caused by a build up of things that had happened to me, and just one little thing suddenly set me off causing me to crash. I struggled to speak to anyone including my husband, left my temporary job 2 weeks early as couldn’t go in (it wasn’t related to my job in anyway so I felt even worse letting them down) and found it really hard to even go and seek medical advice as I felt so ashamed. I had never experienced anything like it before, and it was a real shock not being able to control my feelings and body going from constantly crying to suddenly having a full on anxiety attack which was really scary. When I started to feel better I contacted some friends to explain why I’d not been in touch and sadly the one friend who I thought I was closest to and done a lot for never even bothered to respond which cemented the end of our friendship. She contacted me 3 months later to generally see how I was, I didn’t bother to respond and she probably tells people she doesn’t know why. I felt very alone with some not wanting to know me as they didn’t want to deal with it, but on the other hand it did show me the people who really mattered in my life who did want to help and try and understand. I knew I wasn’t the first, the only or the last person to go through something like this but at the time it felt that way. Although I have down times now, for me it appears to have been a one off and not something I have to live with day in and day out, however as horrible a time it was, it has made me appreciate how horrible mental illness actually is. It does not judge and can affect absolutely anyone.

    I really admire you (& thank you) for how open and honest you are with it, something I could never have done, and think you should feel very proud for sharing what you going through especially as its not an easy subject to talk about and even more so as you are putting your own suffering out there for all to see (and in some cases sadly judge). Even if all our comments do little to help I hope you know that many people are very glad, particularly those close to you, that you are still here and fighting this. No situation is the same and everybody suffering from any mental illness should be treated differently as there is no magical blanket remedy for everyone, all people can do is listen to others experiences and to be there for those unfortunate to suffer. I hope you (along with your husband, friends, family etc) can do whatever is right for you, and you are able to smile and be in a happier place soon. Sending love and hugs, Gem xox

  130. It shouldn’t come as a shock to you, that you are loved and appreciated by all those who follow your blog – we have missed you and wondered how you were and sent good wishes and blessings your way every time we thought about you. Your honesty about your illness must be difficult, but I am so glad that you decided to tell us how you have been. Mrs Thrifty, you shine like a star in this endless black hole of the internet, and bring plenty of comfort and joy to others with your quirky, funny and informative posts. Mwah to you and Mr Thrifty xxx

  131. You are super brave talking about this online, and you are right, people should talk about it more, there should be more understand about all mental health illnesses like this and depression, as people often look down on them. I hope you swing back into happy soon, its terrible feeling like that, I know, I’ve suffered depression for 10 years. I am thinking about writing a blog dedicated to depression, so people know more about it and understand it better. Sending you lots of strong thoughts and happiness, I hope you feel better very very soon <3

    Kitty xox

  132. You have my respect and admiration Thrifty, thank you for your honesty.

    A close family member has suffered with depression over many years but refuses to seek help. It’s sad to watch both her, and our relationship, deteriorate more and more.

    I admire your openness, which can’t be at all easy, and I’m glad you have such great support with Mr. Thrifty and other local services. Your fight to not let this bastard illness beat you, and instead aim to find a better place from which to enjoy your life, inspires me.

    Much love to both you and Mr. Thrifty.

  133. I really don’t know what to say, but like those hundred odd people above me (That reads wrong!! I mean “the round about 100 people” rather than “the one hundred perculiar people”!!!) I want to add my voice to support you. There’s no way I can even begin to understand how you are feeling, even though you have written about it so movingly. But I can say that I so hope that your positivity and energy bring you through this. God bless you and Mr Thrifty.

  134. Keep on keeping on, be strong with Mr Thrify’s love and you have the virtual support of all of your friends here.
    Such an inspiring post, still, wrongly, such a taboo subject.

  135. Ahh mrs F, I dont really know you, appart from what my wife tells me. And I dont even know if you will even read this at all. My wife has bi-ploar and was diagnosed very young before I even knew her. Which is unusual or so my wife has been told, she was just 17 but had suffered since she was 11.
    I watch her fight her own personal battle every single day. I admire her as she works, she is a mother, loves to bake and loves me and I suffered for PTSD after a horffic accident at work and she helped me through it. I see her moods change, one minute she is the best wife in the world and then its as if an evil spirit has entered her. I have be stabbed, punched, choked , kicked in my bad leg, things she says to me, I could never repeat. But when you see her in her fit of rage you know shes not there her eyes roll, her face is blank and it is only words that come out. If you asked her what she had just done, she would not have known. Her doctor is the only person she will speak to, she hates CPN’S and consultants and tries to stay away from them. She has been a lot better over the past couple of years as they have found the key for my wife to lead a normal a life as possible.
    She is a spendaholic and I hate ebay for that, and amazon as she loves books. I have just cleared an ebay bill for her as she collected no wages this month as she only returned to work in september from the summer break.
    When she cries, I cry too as I dont know what to do to help her. I leave her sleep as her sleep pattern is all over the place. She will do her school run go to bed and wake at lunch, but that is her life. She has an OCD about nail polish if any is showing signs of wear she cleans her nails and starts all over again. And she can do this about 8 times on a night. Even if her hands get sore she just does it. She collects make up, but doesnt wear it!
    Her me space is taking the dog around the block and looking around. I dont want anyone to feel sorry for us, its sometimes good to get things off ones chest. And I love her to bits!!!!!!

  136. People who have no experience of mental health problems usually don’t understand and more than that I think they are scared of them. If someone has a broken leg, you can see it and know that after a while it will heal and be sorted, but mental health is to a certain extent invisible and complex and you don’t know how soon things will improve.
    But things will improve for you, as I’m sure you’re well aware of, it is just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes – but it is there, keep walking towards the light so to speak. We’re all here willing you towards us. As you can see, you are well loved and bring us all such joy.

  137. Oh, Thrifty, you have moved me to tears! I am so sorry that you feel like this but am glad that you are able to seek help and to write blog posts like this one that might help other people who feel like you do. Mental health issues should be talked about more openly – it’s a great shame that there is still a stigma attached to depression. My uncle has lived with bipolar for many years and it is an illness I wouldn’t wish on anyone. He has been on ‘suicide watch’, whilst in hospital, many times. I also have first-hand experience of bereavement through suicide (a different member of my immediate family) and it’s something that I will never, ever come to terms with, so please, please continue to get help and continue to love that husband of yours!
    Victoria xx

  138. Dear Thrifty Mrs.
    I would like to have nodded sagely and said…”well, I suspected something was Up.” But I didn’t – many reasons why, not least of which my own muddle-headed-ness. It is, of course, All Monty Don’s fault – he told me, 2 weeks ago, that the Equinox had just past. Well, joy. May your corduroys go into holes and your spade rust. Common sense has, however, bitten me firmly on the bum and I will apologise to Monty, his corduroys and now-rustless spade on Friday evening. The year is declining and I am crawling back up the cyclothymic plug-hole, season affective disorder season is upon me, once again. Add that to a looooooong history of being treated with lots of uppy-downy medications, and I am quite Often a Raddled Old Hag.
    Courage – brave Thrifty for putting yourself on the blog when things seem so endlessly bleak – My thoughts are that unless “it” (Mental Health) is discussed more openly amongst everyone, then the afflicted will get more unhappy and the not or not-so-far (lucky beasts) afflicted go unwarned.
    I cannot tell you how much I agree with your advice to “go an see your doctor” or however you put it, things can be done – they may take time…but don’t miss out on an opportunity.
    I am so sad that you are felling like this – I have admired your postings on an almost daily basis and they have provided me with the most important thing of all – a like-thinker, even though I can’t express my thoughts nearly as well as you can/do and I hope will continue.
    Time to stop rambling, before you doze off through boredom.
    Sitting on the other end of the see-saw and bouncing energetically up and down, so as to get Thrifty out of the down, me out of the up and down and both of us bobbing along in the middle.
    Love Alison

  139. Dear Thrifty Mrs.
    I would like to have nodded sagely and said…”well, I suspected something was Up.” But I didn’t – many reasons why, not least of which my own muddle-headed-ness. It is, of course, All Monty Don’s fault – he told me, 2 weeks ago, that the Equinox had just past. Well, joy. May your corduroys go into holes and your spade rust. Common sense has, however, bitten me firmly on the bum and I will apologise to Monty, his corduroys and now-rustless spade on Friday evening. The year is declining and I am crawling back up the cyclothymic plug-hole, season affective disorder season is upon me, once again. Add that to a looooooong history of being treated with lots of uppy-downy medications, and I am quite Often a Raddled Old Hag.
    Courage – brave Thrifty for putting yourself on the blog when things seem so endlessly bleak – My thoughts are that unless “it” (Mental Health) is discussed more openly amongst everyone, then the afflicted will get more unhappy and the not or not-so-far (lucky beasts) afflicted go unwarned.
    I cannot tell you how much I agree with your advice to “go an see your doctor” or however you put it, things can be done – they may take time…but don’t miss out on an opportunity.
    I am so sad that you are felling like this – I have admired your postings on an almost daily basis and they have provided me with the most important thing of all – a like-thinker, even though I can’t express my thoughts nearly as well as you can/do and I hope will continue.
    Time to stop rambling, before you doze off through boredom.
    Sitting on the other end of the see-saw and bouncing energetically up and down, so as to get Thrifty out of the down, me out of the up and down and both of us bobbing along in the middle.
    Love Alison

  140. Good on you for being so brave and posting this. My sister was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder a few years ago and it is like walking on eggshells around her sometimes, but she’s open and knows how to cope with it now. Just remember, on your down days, you have your readers who will happily cheer you up at any given opportunity! This is your blog and you’re welcome to vent your emotions and how you’re feeling on here whenever you want, you’ll always have readers that will be happy to help. Xxx

  141. I want to stand up and applaud you for writing this, and to echo what you said in your post: I wish more people would speak openly about this kind of thing, so that it would become less of a taboo. I feel lately that the internet has become such a “unicorns and rainbows” kind of place that saying anything even remotely “negative” is frowned upon, so I’m also really heartened to see the outpouring of support in your comments… I really hope it’s even a little bit of comfort to you, and I just wish I had something more useful to add here. Big hugs to you, and please continue to ramble as much as you like: we will be here to listen! x

  142. I am suffering with a mental health issue at the moment and its so hard to cope with. Reading this has made me think that I am not the only one that’s like this and I know when people say cheer up or be brave its easier said than done. I haven’t got bi polar just very serious depression and I know what its like to shut the world out and want to be alone and in bed. I hope we both can get through this. As they say there is light at the end of the tunnel. And fingers crossed you and I will get through this horrible illness. Maybe it’s stupid to think that it will get better but I have heard so many people end their life because of it and Noone understanding. But we have to struggle through and hope it’s worth it in the end xxx

  143. Oh thrifty. I can’t understand what you are going through personally, but as an outsider I completely understand what mental illness can do to a person (and those around them) as my mum has suffered with depression my whole life (and longer). My mum has been diognosed with clinical depression, but I believe she is actually suffering with bi-polar. It’s hard to get her to listen to me though. Mental illness is so hard because people can’t see it on the outside, so many peopele will say to my mum “you seem fine”, “you’re more confident than I am”…and all I can think is, if only they knew. Just because you put on a brave face on the outside, doesn’t mean that you feel the same on the inside. Thankyou for posting this and talking about it. So many people suffer in silence. And the main reason for that is people with ignorant views that if you have X amount of money, or a nice house, or all these materialistic things then you have nothing to be depressed about. Depression is an illness it’s not just about feeling sad, there is so much more to it than that. If I could take away my mum’s pain I would, I wish there was a magic wand. I know that isn’t so and that maybe she will always struggle, but I will always be there for her. I know there is nothing I can say truely help, but just know Thrifty that you are loved, no matter how alone you may be feeling, there are people who love you and who think about you and worry about you every minute of every day. The world would be a darker place without you in it. So please don’t be alone and keep on talking and sharing how you feel. Take care Mrs xxxxxx

  144. After reading about all these other lives with problems far, far greater than mine. I feel very humble and wish I could give all these suffering people something, anything to make their lives better. To all those close to them, spouses, families etc I wish there was more help out there, proper, positive help but it does depend on where you live. To everyone out there suffering in whatever way I hope you find peace.
    My love to you all
    Susan x

  145. Ohhhhhh Thrifty Mrs. :(

    It can be hard to talk about depression, anxiety and other mental health problems. I have been fighting some issues myself … but with the help of my GP, it now all makes sense why I felt so bad for so long and why I had no control over my feelings. Thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find a way forward very soon. Take care of yourself and remember you are not alone. x x

  146. I have been there. Thank you for writing about it.

    We all luv you, you are so lovely

    xxx

  147. Hi Thrifty,I struggle with depression & it’s the pits! Please know that you have made a positive big difference in my life-I so look forward to reading your posts! Your sense of humor and good-natured advice are wonderful, as well as your generosity in sharing your personal experiences with us! Sending much love & good vibes to you & Mr Thrifty (he sounds like a dream!). Thank you for speaking so honestly. Love, your NJ friend Kathy

  148. I am so sorry to hear you struggle with this, what a brave post. Bi-polar and depression have been prevalent in my husband’s family and just reading other posts it’s sadly all too evident how widespread it can be. You’re doing a great thing in talking about it and providing hope for others who might be going through the same. I hope things seem clearer and easier soon.
    x

  149. Fellow bipolar here, thinking of you and sending sunshine from Melbourne your way. Hope tomorrow is a better day xx

  150. You’re so brilliant, and reading through some of the comments, I’m not the only one who thinks so. It can be hard speaking out about mental illness, but with more blog posts like this maybe it’ll become easier. I’ve blogged about it before, and I got a big response, like you did, so it’s clear that so many people suffer, and so many people DO want to talk about it. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon. That dark place is the scariest. x

  151. Sending my love and positive thoughts also.

    In my day job I’m part of one of the networks looking at inclusiveness and diversity. This years charity and ‘theme’ is MIND and mental health.
    Our aim is to increase awareness in the work place. 1 in 4 people suffer, we need to make sure its not taboo or frowned upon to talk about it.

    Its a small step, but every little helps and next week one of the top bosses is signing the ‘Time to Change’ pledge.

    I have quite a few friends who suffer with verious issues, so while I don’t know personally, I try to understand and be there for them in what ever why they need me.

    Sending many positive vibes and thoughts. I hope you find a way to balance out in the long run.

    Tricia
    xoxoxo

    I

  152. I am so pleased that people like you are willing to talk about your mental health problems. I suffer from anxiety, predominantly GAD and health anxiety, it was making me spend days inside, crying, worrying, it was just dreadful. And not only that, a lot of the friends I told didn’t really know what to say about it! Mental health is so important, my family has a history of depression and anxiety, so I have grown up around it my whole life, and I know that it is so important to appreciate that some people struggle and suffer with something that you cannot see and cannot control. In some ways it is so much more frustrating than a physical ailment because it is in your own head, you should be able to control what you think, but you can’t. The fact that you have opened up about this issue is great, it will hopefully help some people to understand about mental illness and that we aren’t all just crazy and strange, we are all people, lots of people have these problems too, it’s not abnormal, its just who we are! xx

  153. I read your post yesterday…thought of you all day sending you positive energy from across the pond…I struggle with depression on a daily basis…it increased after my battle with breast cancer because of the medicine I was taking. I switched to a natural estrogen suppressor and am taking an anti-depressant. It’s so hard because people don’t understand. My whole life has been a roller coaster and I constantly heard “you are so moody!” But it’s not a mood, I can’t just magically turn it off. It hurts so deeply and no one can see it. I won’t try to give you advice, but will say please stay here. You touch so many people with your tips and your humor. You are a friend even though we’ve never met. I’ve found that the busier I am, the easier it passes. I don’t know if that would work for you, but I hope that you continue to fight and live! Much love your way!

  154. Love to you and hugs too. Come back to us soon, I miss you – more than I thought!

  155. I hope things get better for you soon – mental health problems are awful, hideous darn things. Good on you for posting this,

    Robyn Mayday
    xx

  156. Really sorry to read that you are feeling so bad, sending you love & hoping things get better for you soon x

  157. Thrity, I hope you are doing ok. You brighten up the blogging world.
    I hope you realise how excellent you are :) x

  158. Great post. Good on you for posting about it :) xxx

    http://jeminixlife.blogspot.com

  159. I don’t have any words or wisdom to say to you, I’ve been lucky enough not to have been touched by mental health issues, but I want to send you a hug and tell you how much I admire you for writing such an honest post, it must have taken a lot of courage. There are a lot of us out here rooting for you. Gill x

  160. it’s hard to say anything that won’t sound trite, but I wish you well, I just hope you turn the corner soon xx

  161. First off- I’m so glad you’re still here, I’m very grateful you brought this whole topic up and shared it with us. It’s an illness that I’ve been used to for most of my life since my father was diagnosed with it when I was a child. Then he was labelled as “manic depressive” the old name for bp and back then it really was taboo to talk about it. I’m 45 now and remember my mum going x2 a day to visit him in Hosp. We saw him on a Sunday if he was well enough but apart from my maternal grandmother, nobody else visited him. He was in the ‘looney bin’ and nobody wanted to visit.
    He had all sorts of treatment and came home and thankfully had a lot more up days but the intelligent, joker who always had a laugh and smile to outsiders wasn’t always like this at home.
    He coped, we coped, it’s just what we had to do. He suffered from lupus sle too, only diag about 12 yrs ago when he was 60. Did the depression trigger it I often wonder with all his meds etc. when I was at school I wouldn’t have told anybody about my dads condition but as I grew up I realised that its life and just because he didn’t have a plaster cast on or bandages for others to see I wasn’t embarrassed to talk about his illness.
    I suffer from anxiety and depression too. I don’t want it but its the way my brain is so I just have to go with the flow and accept ill have good days and bad but I’m not ashamed to talk about it anymore.
    Take your time and we all look forward to the next blogs.
    Remember you have lupus on top of everything. Double whammy.
    Hope you go to the Cosmo awards and enjoy yourself if you’re upto it.
    Lots of love and hugs
    Jeanette xx

  162. Thank you for writing this post. It struck a chord and I agree that people need to start realising how awful mental illness can be. Trying not to sound patronising but…it was brave of you to write this post and I hope it helps someone realise that what they are feeling isnt ok.
    Hope you are feeling slightly better this week.
    xxx

  163. I have been off work for six months due to mental,illness brought on from stress at work. Don’t give up. Not seen any posts from you since this one, hope our are okay xx

  164. Posts like this of yours, they inspire a lot in me. They make me want to be better- be a better person, better to others, because so often we don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors, and to do better, because I honestly believe that we could all offer a bit more understanding and awareness to all kinds of illnesses and disabilities, whatever their natures.

    I’m beyond glad that you have someone, your husband, and the love that you have is something that can conquer. I think we all need a bit more than just love, but I believe it’s a very solid starting point.

    So many warm wishes coming from this direction.

  165. Sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. Lots of love xxx

  166. Hi Thrifty. All I can say is I know exactly how you feel and I just wanted to say well done for being so strong. Just try and hold onto the thought that the most desperate of times don’t last forever. I’m sure you have got through this before, so will do again this time. I hope that in writing this post it did make you feel better and that you are asking for help from the people around you and the professionals. There is an organisation called the Blurt Foundation who have helped me in the past if you just want someone else who has been what you are going through to talk to. It helped me feel a lot more normal about being ill. Get well soon x

  167. I really hope your thoughts brighten soon, you seem like a really lovely lady, you deserve a lot of happiness <3

  168. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through all this pain. Please know that I am sending you lots of love and that I hope that you find your light again soon.

  169. Echoing what everyone else is saying hope you feel better soon

  170. I love so much for posting this. I had depression, self harmed, suicidal, mess for a long while, id say i lost literally all my teenage years to it. Im now 23, my biggest fear is getting depressed again, it still has too much hold over my life and my choices, but im working on that. Im not afraid to talk about it, but people are afraid to hear about it….
    Thankyou for talking about it too!
    x

  171. I read this the other day and wasn’t sure if I should comment or not, but after meeting you yesterday, I just want to say, you are a truly lovely person who made me feel at ease so quickly. I hope we get to see each other at another event soon, but until then – I hope you feel better :) xxx

  172. Hi there Thrifty. I am a relatively new reader of yours and I also happen to be a psychology major with a special interest in psychopathology, so it hit home for me to read this. I just wanted to reach out with along with all these other people and let you know that I love your blog and your videos and obviously so do hundreds, perhaps thousands of others. My heart breaks for you to have to go through what you go through but you’re obviously a brilliant and strong person, and very brave for putting yourself out there on the internet. You are an inspiration. Sending love your way from Baltimore, Maryland in the US. :)

  173. Hi there Thrifty. I am a relatively new reader of yours and I also happen to be a psychology major with a special interest in psychopathology, so it hit home for me to read this. I just wanted to reach out with along with all these other people and let you know that I love your blog and your videos and obviously so do hundreds, perhaps thousands of others. My heart breaks for you to have to go through what you go through but you’re obviously a brilliant and strong person, and very brave for putting yourself out there on the internet. You are an inspiration. Sending love your way from Baltimore, Maryland in the US. :)

  174. What a great post and timely from my point of view because I had a humiliating experience with a staff member from the NHS Talking Therapies who was extremely judgemental about an issue I had after the birth of my son (although not post-natal depression). I have decided not to go back, but the value of a friendly, listening ear can’t be overstated. I am terribly upset it didn’t work for me, but if they have helped one person (ie you!), then it’s all worth it.

  175. Thank you for sharing, im so glad you feel able to discuss/write and hope it helped you therapeutically. As someone who has experienced mental health both personally and professionally, I feel and see the stigma of mental health and it frustrates me no end. Go to a hospital and they fix you physically, but they back away from any MH symptoms. I find myself getting frustrated when friends dont understand or know how to deal with my problems, so it does sometimes feel like you and your partner are going through it alone. SOmeone at work put it the perfect way to me the other day, we all have strengths and flaws, some of those flaws might be a lot more flawed and intense but it also means another part of us has some really strong strengths. Once we can identify that and come to terms with that, it helps normalise it and gives a bit of perspective. I went on ASIST training the other day (not just for professionals, anyone can do it) and I would highly recommend it. It is “Suicide First Aid”, and although traumatic for all that do it, it’s excellent healing experience.

    When you feel like this again, I hope you are able to be honest and open with your husband and reach out to him, and reach out to the professionals who want to help.

    You are such an inspiration. xxx

  176. I was having a bad week recently as well (I have anxiety problems) and while it’s horrible to hear that you’re going through such a bad time, it’s comforting for me to know that I’m not alone and I’m not a weirdo. Thanks for posting.

  177. Hi i am sorry to hear you are feeling this way, it does help to hear im not alone in feeling this way.I have suffered with bouts of depression on and off since i was young and have anxiety quite bad and worse at the moment.These things have ruled my life for a long time and i have never found the confidence to seek help for it, i always found it to shameful to speak about and was to scared to go the doctors about it.One of my fears is about going the doctors i get so scared and anxious about it, but recently it finally got too much and i did seek help for my problems.I found this very hard and felt embarrased about it.Im supposed to be going to see a counsellor next month which terrifies me, also was prescribed anti depressants that i dont think im going to take the side effects sound too scary.I think i might go back to the doctors for a second opinion, i want something to take the edge off my anxiety and help me face day to day life without being afraid all the time, i dont want to feel like a zombie.When i was in my last year at primary school my auntie, who was very special to me took her own life, it was a shock to me and my whole family, il live with that shock and live with the questions of why, my whole life.I think that is one thing that has effected me aswell has other things, but i saw how it effected my family and i think that is one reason im still here now, my family are too good to do that too them again.I hope you feel better hun, always think about the good things, your a special person and you make peoples lifes more happy.Get well soon.Be thinking of you.If ever need a friend to talk to. Gem xx

  178. Hi Thrifty! I also suffer with depression and anxiety, it’s something that some people are ill-informed about and are ignorant to the idea that not everyone is the same. I’ve had this for a fair few years but wasn’t officially diagnosed until I was 18/19, I’m now 23 and just managing to plod along with life, like everything is all rainbows and unicorns when deep down I think, it’s really not. I get so irritated really easily, I shut myself away, I never want to speak to anyone and I get really deep/dark thoughts that people would not understand, my thought processes can be very complex at times. This is just the shallow end of how I feel sometimes, but I get prescribed with medication and I never want to take it. I want to feel ‘real’ feelings, not something that has been chucked at me because they think it would help me deal with my problems. Thanks for posting this though, it’s very brave of you and it makes me feel that I can openly talk about my problems, without having to hide in the shadows.

    I have a link http://www.daisylola.com/tagged/reasons+life+is+worth+it – Daisy Lola makes some great posts on why life is worth it! I read these when I’m feeling down and I instantly feel better knowing that if I was not here, I would miss out on so much! So nowadays I try live life to the full like it was my last, you only live once right? So make the most of life! Do all the things you’ve always wanted to and try not let the dark thoughts drag you in. Sending love from the Midlands!

    Jess xo

  179. I’ve only recently stumbled upon your blog (I was Googling handbag organisers) but I just wanted to let you know this post really struck a chord with me. I’m bipolar too so know only too well how misunderstood and… well, destructive this illness can be. I hope you feel better soon. x

  180. A brilliantly written blog post. I have recently started a blog series talking about my experience with depression too so I would love it if you would take a read – http://www.becaboosmakeup.blogspot.com. Feel free to talk to me if you ever need too. You can always email me at becaboosmakeup@gmail.com. Take care x x

  181. I’m struggling to find the right words to write to you here, my dear. I remember the first few months after being diagnosed as bipolar as being the hardest time I’ve ever been through. I felt like such a failure to everyone I knew. I guess that is as a result of the stigma surrounding mental health issues and knowing that I was going to be subject to so many people’s misguided thoughts and opinions.
    I really struggle with it, and despite my initial intentions being to write about my experiences on my blog, I have never really been brave enough to give it more than a passing mention.
    I’ve definitely been in a similar mindset, but I can’t tell you how glad it makes me that you are still staying strong. I’ve told myself before that this would be the easy way out, and that I shouldn’t give up on things when they get too difficult.

  182. Hi
    I wondered when I started to read about mental health issues in a part time way if you were going to say you have ‘SAD’. I have quite severe SAD but even at my worst it doesn’t sound as bad as your condition. But it’s a part time condition in a similar way. For that reason I share your pain.

  183. I agree people should feel more comfortable discussing it – I’ve battled depression and anxiety and been to hell and back this year, with plenty of ups and downs, so I am sending hugs, hope you are having a good day. I am currently awaiting cbt (which seems to be a long time coming) but above all just actually talking about how you feel is healing in itself.

    The main thing I’ve learned this year is that you can be open, people don’t look at you funny or treat you different when you tell them, and if they do – you don’t need them in your life.

    Take care x

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